Growing Forward
I am not naturally a green-thumb. I tried to care for plants in the past, but I often ended up limping them along until they eventually expired. I had the best intentions to keep these plants alive – I watered them (too diligently), put them in what I thought were good spots (but might not been enough sun), and I tried to let them grow (without always giving them time alone).
I remember a particularly lonely time in my life where I was trying to keep alive both a Christmas cactus and an African violet in a particularly drafty apartment in the mountains of upstate New York. I couldn’t seem to find the place that worked best for them– as I moved them about 3 times a day and never let them settle in. The plants ended up dropping all their flowers (I ended up reviving them until they were killed by my mom who in revenge neglected them when I went to the UK for two weeks). In those moments as a plant caretaker, I felt utterly defeated by own weakness. Unable to care for a plant despite my best efforts.
My problem with maintaining plants is a problem I have with most things in my life – I am very goal oriented and I often want to achieve what I envision without any patience.
I tended to lose patience in how slow the plants were taking to grow and I tried to speed up the process. I did that by overwatering them (because I figured a little too much water is never a bad thing, right?) or moving them around too frequently because they didn’t seem to be adapting to the conditions. I tended to repot them too soon (or not at all). I was not a good plant mama because I was not very patient and did not want to wait for the flowers to grow on their own.
Kinda ironic for a girl that is trying to grow a blog business/thought space in the days of instant media, right?
Patron Saint of Patience
In my pursuit to be like the Proverbs 31 woman, I have to admit that longsuffering is not a virtue that comes naturally to me. This makes my end goal (and, as I've stated previously, what drives me) especially difficult as I am trying to emulate the Proverbs 31 lady who clearly has to be the Patron Saint of Patience. (On a side note -- Catholics, please don’t get mad at me because I actually have no idea who the patron saints of anything actually are).
The Proverbs 31 woman was certainly one who could wait. Many of the tasks she accomplished involved patience for time to pass to evaluate and measure and look at the results. She was also pretty craft with her hands, which takes even more patience and perseverance than what I seem to be able to manage most days.
She evaluates a field and buys it, plants a vineyard with her earnings…She makes her own bed coverings.
Proverbs 31:16, 22
This is where I again feel defeated because looking at my current situation, I don't think I am every going to accomplish this.
I have tried to wait, I have eagerly looked at my watch and my clock to make sure that I am not rushing. The eagerness instead of me reaching a boiling point of spilling over with need to act as I try my best to sit and watch. It doesn't feel like I am ever able to accomplish the goal. I burst to action only to have what I hoped as an outcome turn to a failure. The intended product not turning out the wanted. And my husband is always right behind me with a disappointed sigh and a directive to “be more patient”.
Patience feels like the one Fruit of the Spirit I keep missing from the Holy Ghost.
The Smallest Buds
Patience, among other virtues, tempts me to throw in the towel and give up the goal of every becoming a woman of praise and admiration. It is extremely hard and some days I just don't have the energy to hang on to something that feels so unachievable.
In those moments, the God of Grace pushes me to just hold on a moment more as He opens my eyes and tells me to look at myself one more time.
This week I noticed, with a small sense of hope, that perhaps I haven't entirely missed out on growing.
My husband and I just moved halfway across the country. I knew it was going to be a struggle for me socially to move where we don’t know anyone, as the extrovert in the relationship. I have been trying to find activities that keep me busy and fill my day with something as I am looking for some work and we find a local church to be able to build community.
We have a couple “planties”, as my husband and I affectionately call them, that survived the trip out here rather well. As I was finding them a new home in a much more brightly lit apart, I recognized that all were in need of some re-potting in order to thrive. I picked up some moisture control potting soil the other day at the store with the hopes of dedicating some of my afternoon to re-homing my plants as I had rehomed myself.
I took my time that afternoon, beginning the process by carefully pulling out my Money Tree from its pot. While I am not entirely sure it needed to go to a bigger pot, it was my largest plant and I needed the pot it was in for another one of my inanimate pets. Besides, the new pot was a better depth for the tree. I painstakingly unearthed the bridal shower gift (from the small bridal shower we were able to have for me as a covid bride, so one of the few gifts I actually received from someone in person) and brushed its roots free from dirt. I replanted the tree in the half filled pot and gently tucked more soul around it. Satisfied that the plant was secure, I moved on to the next.
The fern I received from my last landlord in my single days was sadly beginning to become rootbound – it was the perfect time to pull it gently from its pot without ripping any roots. Even more gingerly I brushed the dirt away, pulling the roots wrapped around one another free. I rehomed this plant into a pot much more its size.
My last plant was a small poinsettia I was gifted as a Christmas present. It has been regrowing after I accidentally killed it by forgetting to water it back in December (in my defense, I had covid during that time so I forgot a lot of things). The plant was happily placed into a newer, bigger pot.
I carefully patted all plants into their beds, gave them some water to moisten their roots, and I sprinkled some diatomaceous earth onto the little guy to make sure he wasn’t attacked by some of the bugs we have around.
The whole process took much longer than the previous me would have had the patience for. All of my plants have been rehomed and not a single one has dropped their leaves or seems to be drooping. I have successfully shown patience in helping other things grow.
Patience in the Vine
It is a reminder that as much as I want to be the woman who is thinking about vineyards to buy (and getting some good wine from the grapes), I need to be patiently growing while plugged into the ultimate Vine.
The patience I have learned did not come from my husband’s constant disappointed chiding, it did not come from will to want to do better, it did not come from discipline.
Instead, it has come from the steady pouring out of the Spirit. And while I believe that God can and does equip us all at once with His gifting and mercies, I have learned that He can take the slow route as well.
As tempting as it sounds, take a moment to truly imagine what it would be like if we said one prayer and then instantly received what we needed every single time. It certainly would be a blessing and it would make our lives a lot less complicated, but would it really teach us?
Would it allow us to have times in the valley where we needed to keep reaching up to God, spreading our leaves to soak up the little amount of Light that seemed to pierce the darkness, clinging to Him desperately? Would it allow us to know how sweet the taste of the Savior’s daily graces and mercies can be when trying to make it up the mountaintop? Surely the victories are sweet, but just as much for the Christian, the journey there should be so much sweeter.
Those moments in the desert, when God provided the victory of the day, that was when He commanded His people to set out rocks as signs of when He showed up. So when the Israelites' future seemed bleak, they could look back and see where God delivered them.
If we were simply fully equipped in an instant, when would we have the need to lay the rocks of remembrance out to encourage us future us?
In the journey we can learn the depths of patience even more richly as we try to emulate God and fall. When we do, Our Father is right there to pick us back up again. His voice is never harsh or chiding or discouraging when we are trying to follow Him. It is gentle, it is firm, and it is sanctifying. Even if the sanctification seems immeasurable in that moment.
Each step out of the valley is one closer to the peak. At that peak, we can look back and see where we came from while also seeing how much stronger our legs have become, the callouses on our hands, the scrapes on our knees from pushing through the troubles after God. And those trophies of triumph are more satisfying then simply propelling to the top.
Digging Roots
The patience I displayed in repotting my plants is surely not the patience that other saints have; I can freely and openly admit that. I have a long way to go in learning to not rush the goal but savor the process. I am not likely to hear the praise for my victories of my patience from my husband any time soon (ahhh the joys of marrying your opposite, right?). But I can look back and I can see the progress.
I can see the way that my branch has grown out a little taller from the root of the Vine. I can stand a little closer to the Sun, reach a little higher. I can provide a little more fruit for the branches next to me. It will not be as big as some of my neighbors, but my fruit will be a little bit more than what I have yielded previously.
That is all that God cares about. He’s not even comparing me to the previous me. He’s looking to see that I am growing at all and rejoicing when I get just a little bit bigger. He is smiling and calling me faithful and lovely and beautiful because of my obedience, no matter how small.
It can be easy to become discouraged by impatience when the growth seems like it’s happening at a snail’s pace.
But, sister (or brother), just know that your Father is celebrating you because you are growing at all!
Keeping digging your roots deeper into your Vine. Keep reaching for the Heavens. Keep growing in spite of the days that seem like there has been no progress at all. The One who knows you and sees you and shouts your praise can tell that you’ve grown a millimeter today.
And, in His Kingdom of Grace, that is much closer to a mile.