Taking Care of the Cracks: My Goal for NotYet31
One of the best books I read in my (very long) season of singleness was Debby Jones and Jackie Kendall’s Lady in Waiting: Becoming God’s Best While Waiting for Mr. Right. The entire premise of the book, and one that I think we need to encourage more in young women in Christ, is that you are not going to attract a man of worth if you are not a woman of worth.
What I mean by this is: you are not going to attract a godly husband who pursues the Lord and His will if you yourself are not doing this. The concept makes a lot of sense and is entirely true, yet how many of us have focused on ourselves instead of the other person?
After getting married, my husband and I struggled with a lot of normal things couples struggle with. We were married in the Time of Covid and our state and church neglected the gathering together of believers during this time. We did not have a place we went to regularly (outside of a virtual platform) that poured into us. Thankfully, we were friends with several couples that took us under their wing at this time to help mentor and guide us. We are so grateful they did.
In this season, I began to listen to a lot of podcasts to get advice. One of the podcasts I stumbled upon was One Extraordinary Marriage. Tony and Alisa DiLorenzo’s goal in their ministry is to strengthen couples by encouraging them to work on what the pair call the “six pillars of intimacy”.
These pillars are:
Emotional
Physical
Financial
Spiritual
Recreational
Sexual
The DiLorenzo’s believe that if there is a “crack” (or problem) in any one of those pillars, it can lead to a destabilization of the relationship. It is up to the couple to spend time and energy on each of these goals to help them create an “extraordinary” marriage.
As my husband and I have attended marriage counseling which led to personal counseling for both of us, I’ve come to realize that it’s just as important that we as individuals nurture these six pillars in our own life. If I am not taking the time to work on managing my emotions and addressing issues I may have related to past trauma, or even current anxiety, in my own life, how can I expect my husband to pick up that load? If he is not working on reading his bible and praying daily on his own, how can he expect me to make up for what he has neglected? If we are not maintaining the bases of each of these pillars individually, we cannot come to the table ready to work as a couple. Or to ask for the necessary help as an individual from the individual we married.
I think there is also a lot of benefit to recognizing that each of these pillars can be found in the list of the Proverbs 31 woman, and that there is never a better time to work on each of these than the present. Single women can begin to mold their financial base, all the while working on the other pillars.
The blog posts I plan to write and the podcast guests I want to explore will all help me shape the meaning and importance of supporting each of these pillars.
Now what do each of these pillars mean?
Emotional: How can we become emotionally healthy women? That is, women who can recognize their emotions as a thermometer but are not subject to act on them. This may mean we need to take care of mental health issues we struggle with or unpack trauma we may be holding onto because of past experiences. It is imperative that we have emotional self control, because it can be easy to be a slave to feelings that are ever changing.(Proverbs 31:12, 25)
Physical: How can we physically care for our own bodies? This means more than just exercising, but really diving into eating right. Advocating for ourselves when Western medicine would often like to either medicate or overlook issues we have been struggling with for decades. This could mean getting a handle on diseases or illnesses we have that we would rather let go and ignore until they worsen to the point of ruining our quality of life. (Proverbs 31:17)
Financial: How can we be responsible stewards with the monetary blessings God has given us? This includes learning how to live within a budget. This also means learning how to invest our money to help it grow. (Proverbs 31:16, 18, 24)
Spiritual: How can we be mirrors of Christ? Spiritual disciplines are important in the Christian life, yet many of us can barely say that prayer and bible study are a habit. How can we root into Christ to flourish in Him? (Proverbs 31:30)
Recreational: What are we doing with our time that brings us joy and utilizes our talents? This could mean something as simple as getting into a habit of reading a good book, or building into your schedule time to take hikes. Recreational hobbies allow us to explore and expand who we are as a person – and they don’t need to be monetized! (Proverbs 31:22)
Sexual: How can we pursue sexually integreity no matter where we are in life? This applies to both single and married women. As a single woman, it includes far more than just maintaining your virginity until your wedding day. And as a married woman, it doesn’t just mean that you’re having sex with your husband whenever he (or you) want it. Pornography – whether images or those romantic smutty novels women love to devour – is rampant in our culture and both lead to unrealistic expectations of the beauty of what sex is. And what it was created to be. (Proverbs 31:10)
Each of these pillars is something a woman can take control and responsibility of in her own life. She does not need to wait upon a husband to take care of them for her (because spoiler: your husband will be human and he will be as imperfect and as in need of tending to these pillars in himself as you are). It is something that a married woman can cultivate to bring greater joys to her husband and her children, because it is something she can focus on that brings true self care.
Now, each of these pillars may need support from trusted friends, mentors, or your spouse. You may need your spouse to be an accountability partner if you are a spender and you need someone to help control your cash flow. You may need a friend as a single lady who will push you out of your comfort zone to try new hobbies to figure out what you like to do. We all need spiritual accountability and mentors as women in the church, to grow and learn from others that are walking before us and to have someone lovingly speak the truth when we are in the wrong.
I hope to help provide some tips, ideas, and plans that women can utilize in their life to help address where she needs help in any one of these bases. I know I am going to learn ways to help myself tend to these important focal points in my life to become a better wife and woman.
If you are looking for guidance on any one of these topics, please take a look at tags at the side of the page. I will be tagging relevant blog posts or guest interviews with the corresponding pillar base (or bases) covered.
I ask that you prayerfully consider the list above and ask God to reveal what area He would like you to focus on addressing. This is the best form of self care you can give yourself, because it is not focused on your happiness, but rather your holiness.
I look forward to growing into a strong tower. I hope you will join me on the journey.
Let me know in the comments or send me an email at lydia@notyet31.com any pillars you know you need to repair and build. I’d be happy to come alongside and provide any guidance or help that I can!