Women Were Designed for Sex, Too
Women are sexual beings.
What a counter cultural thought, right? Actually, it’s not. If anything, most of the women outside of the church have learned to embrace their sexuality (perhaps a little too comfortably, as seen by the prominence of hookup culture). This seems to be more of an anti-church thought, the worst take that the church can make. The female body and relationship with sexuality is just as important, and even more intricate, than that of the man’s. And if we, the Church, continue to ignore that women’s sexual desire and design, though it looks a little different, we are going to continue to run into problems teaching sexual integrity within the church. As well as getting women the help and support that they need.
Sexual Integrity Over Sexual Purity
There has been a lot of push back against the purity culture of the 90s and early 2000s. I grew up in this age, and came out pretty unscathed compared to others. But I understand the lack of grace for women that did not make the same decisions or the shame that came from the education during this time that is negatively impacting women today.
One of the major themes that came out of the purity culture movement is that men have a strong desire for sex that they cannot quench. Young teen girls, such as myself, were often taught that once we got into marriage, our husband’s main means of communication would be through sexual intimacy: we would need to learn to love them physically as they should love us emotionally by listening to us talk (the supposed equivalent to the male desire for sex). Men were given far more information about sexual purity and how to recognize and control their urges, while most of the time women were reminded about the important of modesty*. This messaging was not only unhelpful because it is simply not true. Women have the same desires and drives that men do (I am acknowledging that they do look and behave differently in expression). Pretending that women are not sexual beings do not only deservice the intricacy with which God designed us, but it also restricts the help that women can get and heaps on the shame when sexuality becomes much harder as a woman than we have been allowed to admit.
One of the counterpoints the church needs to focus on to combat this poor teaching, in both sexes and regardless of maritial status, is sexual integrity. J. Parker over at Hot, Holy, and Humorous laid out a really good argument for why sexual integrity is needed, not just sexual purity – or what we would define as staying a virgin until marriage. Unfortunately, I know just as many people that stayed virgins until they were married but allowed their mind to access or read material that was far from pure. Their bodies lay untouched, but their minds were just as active with sexualky explicit material as someone not seeking physical sexual purity. This is where I think we need to get it right with the next generation – encouraging them to seek sexual integrity above keeping their virginity. That will naturally follow.
What do I mean by sexual integrity? I mean that all we do, say, and think honors God’s design and plan for sexuality in humanity, in every season and relationship that we are in. And if you begin to do a deep dive into the picture that our sexual design represents, you will be awed at the purpose and plan God had for us.
Sex Has a Purpose
There are many resources you can read that explain how the design of sexual intercourse mirrors the pictures of Christ and His church. The man, representing God, rising to the occasion (sorry if you blushed – I hope you giggled) and then imparting a part of himself into the women, just as God imparts His Spirit into us. The woman chooses to receive, submit (or be willing to accept an equal value, not less than, another teaching we are working on correcting in the church) and accept the part of the man to make and to multiply what he has given. Just as we are to cultivate disciples using the gifting and works of the Spirit God gives us. You can read more about this dynamic in books such as Mama Bear Apologetics Guide to Sexuality by Hillary Morgan Ferrer and Amy Davison or Wild at Heart by John Eldredge. The union between man and woman, the raw vulnerability that is shared beyond just being naked in body, is an amazing picture of the union between God and the Church. This reason alone should spur us to seek sexual integrity in body, mind and spirit.
The vulnerability we end up sharing is with the spouse that we have committed ourselves to loving and accepting in this act of intimately knowing someone. When we denigrate this act by having multiple partners, we degrade the beauty of the vulnerability by inviting in fears or risks of comparison. It should want us to think with sacred awe about this union, not wanting to salaciously satisfy our own itches through the consumption of media, written or watched. We should want to seek integrity with our souls by honoring and thanking God for the gift He created, this little picture of what the union between us and Him will look like, no matter what season we are in. That can mean honoring that God wants us to wait for this union in our single years (as we wait patiently and eagerly for Him to reunite with us in the clouds) or to honor the union by engaging it in regularly and often as we can with the spouse that God has given us. We should not shy away from the beautiful picture of pure nakedness before a holy God that He has given us, but know and respect its awe and power.
This, of course, leads to two things we need to be careful not to do and one acceptance.
Reframing Sex
One thing we need to be careful not to do is not to put sex on a pedastal. Sex is a beautiful gift between husband and wife, two people who have made a covenant vow (greater than any civic law) im the eyes of God, but it is not the only gift that He has given us as humans. To covet sex means that we could end up wandering into places or relationships we should not enter into, because we are not willing to wait for when the timing is right. This eagerness for sex should not be greater than our eagerness to serve God well, watching as the time draws near to Him returning to be fully reunited with us (Hebrews 10:25). We should want to wait for the revelation of the mystery of sexual union (even though some of us may not experience that on earth) as we wait for the revelation of the mystery of God’s coming back to the earth (one we will all experience, and one that has a greaert impact on us than any sexual union on earth).
We must also be careful not to dismiss that God provides grace to those that operate outside of His plan. Especially for those who made decisions before coming to the saving knowledge of Christ and were dead in their transgressions as they were enemies of God (Ephesians 2:1, Romans 5:10). For the Christian that has sinned against God, He still offers His grace for a repentant heart (Romans 8:1) and a chance to be made whole again in Him. Sadly, even with these graces, Christians who have made the choice to sin against God will still have to suffer consequences. And while all sin is equal to God in its offensiveness, not all of it is equal to God in its fall out. Sexual sin led to significant destruciton in the Old Testament (it led to Samson’s downfall several times in Judges, and David’s sexual sins were the catalyst to the dividing of the kingdom that would appear later in 1st and 2nd Samuel and 1st and 2nd Kings). While Christians need support and help walking through the consequences that come about from having trespassed, God can and does bring grace and restoration to the one who is truly repentant and seeks His face for forgiveness. If we have earnestly left behind our sexual sin, we are redeemed and made new through Him.
The final step that is required by the church in order to take back the sacredness of sex is to acknowledge that women are sexual creatures. By accepting that sex was made for both men and women, we can begin to actually provide help for couples and for single women in the church, services that have been lacking for years as women have been neglected and left behind in the conversation about sexuality.
It is important to note the creation account in Genesis. God made Adam first and told Him to care for the earth (Genesis 2:7, 15). He gave Adam the instruction to “work it and keep it”. He then told Adam that He would provide food for him to eat in the garden – except for one fruit (which I think it is very important, in an aside, that we are specifically told that Adam received this command before Eve was even created – men, it is important that you shepherd and care for your wives well.) There was no mention about fulfilling Adam’s sexual needs. Some time passed and God saw that Adam needed companionship. So He created Eve from a part of Adam as a Helper fit for him (Genesis 2:18).
We should note that the Hebrew word for helper: עֵ֫זֶר (phonetically pronounced and usually spelled ezer). Ezer is a fascinating concept to study, and the word is used later in Scripture in correlation to Jesus. The Ezer was not just a helper but a hero; its meaning was a picture of someone dropping what they were working on to rescue/save the one in need. Eve was created as a helpmate who could drop what she was working on to help her husband out– like a hero helping out a civilian, not like one whose task is less priority than the other. I highly recommend reading John and Stasi Eldredge’s book Captivating which explores more of the powerful role God made for women. Notice, however, that this role does not imply that she was for his sexual need. In fact, the first time that the idea of one flesh, a euphemism we use for sexual relationship, doesn’t appear until verse 24:
This is why a man is to leave his father and mother and stick with his wife, and they are to be one flesh.
Genesis 2:24
Again, this is not a picture of a man leaving his mother and father to have his sexual needs taken care of. Instead, it is the picture that they both were to benefit from this sexual union as a way of bonding closer to one another. It was meant for both parties, not just for the man in the relationship. Instead, the command was given from the perspective of the man (leaving his family and sticking to his wife) because he was designed to be the head of the family. Not because his needs were more important than hers (which we can see in the idea of the ezer).
Thiswouls lead us to the conlusion that we need to get rid of this idea that man was created for sex and woman simply to be his sexual partner. Instead, both were naked and fully vulnerable in the garden (and probably doing the thing, y’know) and neither were ashamed. Because it was the two of them and their God, the way a sexual union should be in a marraige relationship. (Yes, I do disqualify marriages between non believers as covenant marriages. While they may honor the picture God intended for marriage and may receive a blessing, they leave out the most important piece of the puzzle).
Therefore, the notion that sexuality in marriage should solely be for the husband when he wants it, when he desires it, and how he wants it should not be the main teaching. Submission sexually from both spouses should be the goal. The more I research and learn, I believe that spouses should honor the physical relationship and sacred union together as frequently and with as much reverence as the church should communion. This means that there are times when the husband may need to lay down his urge to be intimate with his wife to serve her in other ways. And this may mean the wife has care to serve her husband when his sexual desire is higher than hers. And vice versa for relationships that have switched drives.
Women Have Sexual Brokenness
Seeing a woman as a sexual being, however, requires us to acknowledge two others truths in the church we have swept under the rug. And these truths are leading to damage and bondage in the lives of women.
First – that women have as much propensity to wander into sexual bondage and impurity as men do. This means that women do engage in PORNOGRAPHY.
Often, this pornography is the “acceptable” type of romance books and smut novels. I cannot tell you the countless books I have started reading, recommended by women in the church, that have some of the most graphic and frequent descriptions of sexual union between a man and a woman– sometimes even the same sex. This is to say, I don’t think we need to avoid books that mention sexual relationships between people – but ladies, Outlander and Fifty Shades of Grey are pure porn. The whole purpose of those books is to titillate and create desirable sexual fantasy for women. This type of pornography is no doubt more acceptable because it does not create secondary victims that that visual pornography world does. There are no physical people that are being trafficked or exploited. But just like visual pornography, It does not do a woman’s mind any good to fill our thoughts with such callous treatment of the union between man and woman. And to say that it is not a big deal, that you are discovering what works for you, how would you feel if your husband was exploring pornography to figure out what gets him going? Often, smut, like visual porn, creates unrealistic expectations of what sex is and should be like.
We also cannot ignore, however, that visual porn is becoming as much of a pitfall for young women.
Now, I think the whole approach to pornography in the church is appallling. I have worked in and around several youth groups I have noticed two very disheartening trends:
If porn use is mentioned, it is not up until middle to late high school. This is a HUGE problem, and one that parents also need to address. The average exposure to pornography is at 11 years old – that is a FIFTH OR SIXTH grader! These children often don’t even know what they are looking at, and the allure and fascination that pornography has (because it can make both males AND females feel excited, especially at the onset of puberty!) can sow the seeds of addiction early. This means that by the time that the teenager is learning about the dangers of pornography addiction in 11th or 12 grade (the average age I’ve personally seen churches discussing this with youth), that child has been hooked for 6-7 years. Six to seven years of damage! We need to do better as a Church, and parents need to not be so naïve. We would be better to prepare our children for the evils in the world than to shelter them.
Pornography addiction resources and help is often provided for young men. So the young boys that have been battling addictions for years (which only gets worse as they get older – over 68% of the male population of the Church is BATTLING a pornography addiction – I’ve seen as high as 77%) are getting help too little, too late. And the girls? The girls are being left behind. The study linked shows that at least 25% of married church women (if not higher) access porn monthly – and I can guarantee you that the addiction did not start in their adulthood. However, they are least likely to get the talk and resources for getting help. Instead, in separate sessions, they are often encouraged to dress modestly and to know that boys may pressure them to have sex. Nearly a quarter or more of our young girls are struggling and yet we cannot even acknowledge that they have sexuality in small groups.
While the church needs to take pornography addiction seriously as a whole (again, 69% of pastors say pornography usage is a huge problem in their churches) and start speaking out about it and against it from our pulpits, we also need to acknowledge the forgotten casualties. The women battling pornography addictions.
Thankfully, there are several ministries for women stepping forward to provide resources, support, and accountability. If you, a friend, a loved one, or a daughter are struggling with pornography in any form (visual or literary) here are several organizations you can reach out to for help and to know that you are not alone, you are not a freak of nature, and that because you are a sexual being designed by God you also can struggle:
But I Want To Have Sex…He Doesn’t!
The other reality we need to recognize, if we are to accept that women are sexual beings, is that some of them (probably most of them) do want to have sex. While the common mantra in marriages is that the man is always begging while the woman won’t put out, this isn’t the reality for all, or even most marriages. I’ve seen the statistic that about 80% of marriages have men that want sex more (which I don’t think is accurate because it does not take into account in the percentage of couples who have an about equal drive where the woman and the man want sex about as much as the other). Statistics have recently shown that as high as 30% to as low as 20% of marriages have a woman who has a higher drive than their husband. This means that about one of every five wives is counting the days since she and husband last had sex, wishing he would pursue her a little more, spending hours talking to her husband again and again about her desire, and then being told by media that it’s because she isn’t sexy enough or desierable enough for her spouse to want her (and sometimes even having this communicated by her husband, too). No doubt this number is going to continue to increase as the number of men addicted to porn rises (though there is not always a correlation between porn and lower interest in men, it does exist).
There are often few resources for these women who often feel like freaks of nature and who cannot join in with the other ladies at bible study functions who lament that their husbands can’t keep their hands off them or are enjoying a happy and fulfilling sex life with their husband. These ladies often shrink off to the shadows, their self confidence and femininity attacked by the loud (and incorrect) voices coming from media and marriage studies that affirm that a husband’s need is sex and the wife should just give in. What should she do, then, when her husband’s need seems so little and she has found that hers has overtaken his. She is often in need of sexual intimacy and union when he would rather go to sleep for the evening or spend a little more time at work or playing his video game.
While there are dynamics in the higher drive wife/lower drive husband that should be addressed – is there low T? does he have a current or past porn struggle that rewired his brain? is there issues with religious shame? – a husband’s lower drive does not always mean that there is something wrong with him. While we have been taught, and studies show, that men seem to want sex more than women (though it should be noted these studies are now being done after centuries of sexual repression aimed towards women specifically – it will be interesting to see how this dynamic changes in light of sexually liberating women, especially those in married Christ centered relationships), it does not mean that man are and should be automatically wired that way. They could be wired with a lower desire than their wives, while their wives are designed for higher. However, because the stigma remains, lower drive men do not seem to want to accept or seek help for why they have the lower drive. It is much easier and culturally acceptable to accuse the woman of being improper and a nymphomaniac than to address a problem. Churches and marriage ministries often never address or provide resources for this dynamic as they do the “typical” dynamic, which can leave many higher drive wives feeling alone and like something is wrong with them.
Thankfully, the tides are beginning to turn and more recognition and support is being given to these women. As well as more marriage resources acknowledging that the wife in the marriage has a higher desire than their husband. J. Parker of Hot, Holy, and Humorous has stepped up to the plate for women in a marriage with a higher drive wife/lower drive husband dynamic to provide support, information, resources, and a community. If you find yourself in a marriage where you are the higher drive wife and you are feeling alone, Parker’s work is invaluable.
A Change of Mind, A Change of Heart
One of the ways the church could serve women better without kowtowing to the feminst movement is by accepting women as equal to men in their basic design. What I mean by this is that we were both created to worship and reflect Him through our bodies – whether that is eating cleanly, exercising, or practicing sexual integrity outside and inside of marraige. By accepting that women are sexual beings, made this way by God, just as men are, we can provide better resources and guides for young women that can help them pursue sexual integrity and not just waiting until marriage to have sex. We can also give greater resources to women that find themselves struggling in areas that have typically been labeled, erroneously, a “male” problem: whether that is pornography addiction or a higher desire for sex inside of a marriage.
It is well and good that we are working toward righting the wrongs of how women have been taken advantage of sexually by culture and the church. The Baptist church has a lot of house cleaning to do like the Catholic one did – always the dangers of having organized religion. However, we should also aim in our church to serve women well with their sexuality by not only giving them autonomy, but also giving them back their power. To recognize that sexuality and the sexual relationship was created for women as much as it was for men.
By recognizing that we women are sexual creatures and, because of this fact, we can further help in redeeming the sacredness of sex from the perverseness that culture has tagged it with. We can do so by keeping the dignity and fulfilling the role God has given us at our origin. The Ezer – the one who can help man when he is in need and who has the strength to help him rise up as woman rises along with him. Let us not forget as we look to redeem sexuality that we need our Christian brothers at our side– this was the way we were designed. Not a competition or a value hierarchy, but an equal footing with different rules under the headship of Christ.
May we bless Him with our feminine sexuality by running fast after integrity. This goal was not just for our brothers, but was for the women of the Word as well.
NOTES
*If you’re coming to this blog page to see me rip apart the modesty argument – you’re not going to get it here. I taught middle school in the early 2020s and I saw more MIDDLE SCHOOL girls – y’know, children – walking into school wearing lingerie pieces and screaming that it was their right. I’m just as tired by the push back against the modesty culture, to be extremely honest as I watch young women sexualize themselves and then hear culture telling young boys they shouldn’t look at the girls sexually – but when their wives wear the same pieces in the bedroom that should equate to sexual attraction. How absolutely confusing for the young men in our generation!